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Do I need to ask if I can bring my 4 month old to a friend's wedding?
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this is going to sound dumb, but why? the kid's not eating, crawling, obviously won't be crying...
[ Reply | Options ]doesn't matter - they could be crying, and unless the baby was specifically invited, I would not even ask and hire a sitter for the night.
[ Reply | Options ]that's ridiculous. why does someone care if there's a baby at a wedding, especially when they don't require food, highchair, or any extra work?
[ Reply | Options ]trust me, they absolutely care. You've got single-minded new mom brain, but as a recent bride, believe me, they care.
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The bride cares b/c she didn't invite your db. Some brides don't want ANY children (even ones that don't cost them $) at the wedding. Plus, it is common courtesy to ask.
[ Reply | Options ]ITTTTA. I was just married in April and I provided a babysitter for my sisters dcs and by sil's db, but they were the only ones whose kids were there, everyone else who had children left them at home -and no one would even have asked(if they had I would have offered them my on-site babysitter but no children were allowed at the actual wedding) - I can't believe how selfish this op sounds. This wedding is not about you or your child!
[ Reply | Options ]I was just married last year as well and the only children specifically invited to my wedding were my 6 yo and 1 yo nieces. Having said that, one couple did bring their 5 mo baby, but they asked us if it would be all right ahead of time. I would have been annoying if they had been presumptuous enough just to bring the baby w/o informing us. Our wedding was an evening black-tie adults only affair.
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and brides who think the wedding is the culmination of their life's achievement need to get their heads out of their asses. that you would choose your own perverted notion that children should be invisible over a friend's comfort is really mind-blowing.
[ Reply | Options ]my friends would be nore comfortable without their young babies there to have to take care of... have you people never wanted a few hours of relative "freedom" to enjoy being an adult?
[ Reply | Options ]you don't get to decide at which events other women would have more fun...i spend plenty of time without my kid. and their are someweddings where i'd have a better time without him, and some, like when my kid was 8 weeks, when i would have been miserable without him. but it sounds like i have way nicer friends than you.
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You are reading a lot into the previous poster's comment. She didn't say her wedding was the culmination of her life's achievements. It was, however, an event that cost $30-200k and she should be able to dictate how she wants that event to unfold.
[ Reply | Options ]no, you see, that is the exact problem with women like you. spend what you want on your weddings (although if you spend 200K, then you really need to have your head examined--and you do think its the culmination of your life's achievement) but you don't get to dictate how events unfold. ever. life in unpredictable, other people have needs, and if you think a four month old sleeping at your friend's breast ruins your big day, you're an ass. period.
[ Reply | Options ]no one can guarantee that a 4mo will sleep through the wedding. I had a friend who did not invite babies but a guest brought theirs, and the child cried through the entire ceremony. Sorry, but that kind of ruins the moment. If you can't think about respecting the wishes of a bride and groom on their wedding then you're the ass.
[ Reply | Options ]Women like me? What's with the vitriol? I wasn't the previous poster, but I was defending her. I gave that range b/c that is how much weddings cost these days and if you don't realize that, you have your head in the sand. I would have never let an uninvited baby ruin my day but I would have FAR preferred to know the baby was coming in advance. FWIW - I got married at 36 and planned my wedding in 4 months - was not the "women like me" you seem to be describing.
[ Reply | Options ]I was the previous poster and I was married at 25, planned my wedding in 4 WEEKS because my future fil was dying. Due to space, timing and lots of other things, we hired babysitters for the 3 children in the family under age 6 (the other "children" were teenagers, they attended) and no one else brought their baby - or asked. PLEASE.
[ Reply | Options ]Not all weddings cost that much (mine didn't) but MANY do. I've been to several weddings that were upwards of $100K. If you live in NYC - that's just the way it is. It has nothing to do with me. If you google, you will find that the average wedding in NYC is $30-75K so of course the are many that are more than that.
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who are you?? how selfish? excuse me for being a new mom who's not totally up to speed on wedding/baby etiquette? I'm asking a question - I thought that was the purpose of this site.
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both of the parents who brought babies to my wedding (under 2yo) ended up leaving the room within a few minutes because the babies' crying disturbed the ceremony. my sister's wedding had babysitters to watch kids during the ceremony but kids were at the reception/party. it depends on the bride and groom - it's their wedding; their choice.
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the day is about her and should be. a lot of planning goes into many weddings and out of respect for the bride, you should leave that db at home.
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You can guarantee your db won't cry? I wish I could do that! I've been to plenty of wedding where dbs cry or make noise during the ceremony. Usually a bride doesn't mind if it is her relative but if it is a random baby she didn't even know was coming, she'll probably be annoyed with you.
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babies have to invited for weddings???? its weird -- of course you take her. if your friend will mind, she's not much of a friend
[ Reply | Options ]you're not serious. Many weddings are adults-only, a baby is disrupting and will prevent op from fully enjoying the wedding.
[ Reply | Options ]who are you to determine how OP will best enjoy wedding. people need to lighten the hell up. its a BABY. if the bride seriously cares, she's an a-hole.
[ Reply | Options ]oh PLEASE - it is her WEDDING - the one day of her life that a bride should be able to dictate if she wants children there or not. COME ON!
[ Reply | Options ]ITA - you are NUTS to think it's okay to bring a baby to a wedding. SO inappropriate. I think it's rude of people to even ask - if the kid isn't on the ivite, the bride (most likely) doesn't want them there!
[ Reply | Options ]Would you stop it with the 'it's the bride's day' bullshit. No one owns a day. Nothing drives me crazier than women who believe the world should stop spinning on its axis because they are getting married. I mean, come on. It's a baby, not a leper. The bride isn't even going to stop by this poster's table by the time the poster with a 4-month-old leaves. It is NO SKIN of the bride's back, and you women are all so obsessed with whining about wanting it the way you want it that you are mortally offended. Christ. Its so sad.
[ Reply | Options ]Bride = host. That means she gets to decide who is invited. OP = guest. That means she gets to decide whether or not she will attend, and doesn't get to be offend about who the host did or didn't attend or invite additional guests on her own. It's just basic manners.
[ Reply | Options ]I cannot believe how many people lack basic etiquette - and think they should be entitled to do whatever they want.
[ Reply | Options ]i agree that the host decides who comes. but i also think that a culture where kids are not invited to weddings is a perverted, dying culture. shows why so many marriages fail and so many people are living isolated, depressed lives...
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do you disagree with the content, i.e., do you believe that amercian society is doing well? do you read the papers?
[ Reply | Options ]I don't think the state of American society turns on whether or not we invite children to our weddings. Plus there has always beena segment of society that prefers more formal, child-free events (weddings or otherwise) over less formal events that include children and I'd question whether it's actually gotten larger over time.
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The same could be said of parents who believe their children supersede anyone elses wishes.
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My spouse is a pediatrician. We and all our pediatric friends always invite kids to weddings, bar mitzvahs etc. But his relatives never want kids at any of these events. It's not about any real need the child might have that could cost anything. It's a 'style' issue and those who prefer life with invisible children just do.
[ Reply | Options ]its not even about that - some weddings are adult-only for a variety of reasons - space, the location, the timing, etc. If the baby wasn't invited then the baby should not attend.
[ Reply | Options ]are you kidding right now? the space? the kid's not even 15 pounds. the location? the kid's in a baby bjorn - how messed up can it get? the timing? there's absolutely no reason that I can think of that a baby that's not taking up a meal can't come along.
[ Reply | Options ]who cares? If your child was not invited to the wedding then your child should not attend. End of discussion. Babies cry, babies are distracting. This is not your event to decide who should attend. Let it go, hire a sitter and have fun... or if you can't be away from your child for 5 hours, don't go!
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If a couple doesn't want children at their wedding, it doesn't necessarily mean that they "prefer life with invisible children". I've known people who have formal evening weddings where children aren't seen as appropriate. Some of them love children a great deal. But there are occasions where children are less welcome. My parents once took my sister, who was an infant at the time, to a very fancy french restaurant, and they sure got a lot of dirty looks from people.
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Absolutely. The person would definitely care. You must ask...although I wouldn't even do that. I would just nit even think to bring the 4 month old unless specifically invited.
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Here: Do not ask your host or hostess if you can bring a date or your children. The invitation will be addressed to the people invited. If you may bring a guest, your invitation will read “Mr. John Phelps and guest.” If your children are invited, they will either receive their own personal invitations or their names will be listed under yours on the envelope. This is not the time to question your host’s decision, to argue or to beg for an exception. And, please, do not add their names to a reply card or show up with them anyway!
[ Reply | Options ]"The good guest is almost invisible, enjoying him- or herself, communing with fellow guests, and, most of all, enjoying the generous hospitality of the hosts". OMG. what is this -- the last supper. article is too pompous and stupid for my taste
[ Reply | Options ]its emily post. old fashioned, but at formal events etiquette should be mostly respected. Basically its code for "don't get drunk and start dancing on the tables" - and thank the hosts. Just read between the lines
[ Reply | Options ]no, you are misreading it. if it meant that, then there should be no issues with kids etc. it just promotes the "bride is goddess for today" fantasy that women like.
[ Reply | Options ]I certainly don't believe the "bride is goddess for today" notion, but come on - guests should be polite and gracious and not bring uninvited guests along with them (whether it is a date or a baby - doesn't matter). The people throwing the wedding get to decide if kids are invited. End of story.
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You might RSVP with a note saying that you would love to come, but are unable to leave your new baby. If the couple wants the baby there, they will respond accordingly.
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Depending on where the wedding is in relation to where the OP lives and whether or not she is BF'ing it could be more or less difficult with a 4 m/o.
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I can think of a few, but none are good enough to justify bringing a 4mo to a wedding when they weren't invited. 1) she cannot bear to be away from her child - in that case, she needs clinical help. 2) she can't afford a sitter - how about a friend, your mom, sister, etc. 3) she's bf - pump, or only go to the ceremony or part of reception
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I don't know, if i were the bride and received that note, I would assume the RSVP was a "NO"
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Wow. I'm surprised this post generated so much drama! FWIW, I suggest just asking your friend. Perhaps she thought it strange to put a newborn's name on an invite but has no issue with the baby attending? Perhaps there are 60 small children in her family she doesn't want to have to pay for/manage at her wedding and so has a strict no child/baby rule for all? Just ask politely if you can bring db, making it clear that you will understand if she prefers not to have children at her event. Then you can decide whether you want a babysitter or are unable to attend.
[ Reply | Options ]If she is a CLOSE friend, yes, ask. If not, then asking is inappropriate and decide if you want a sitter or if you want to just skip the wedding.
[ Reply | Options ]If you're close enough to be invited to the wedding you are close enough to ask. Honestly, this is SO not a big deal. Just phrase it politely -- "I know you have a lot going on right now with the wedding, so I hate to bug you, but I wanted to check in to see if I could bring db to the wedding. I completely understand if you are having an adults-only event, so please don't hesitate to say so if that is the case. I am looking forward to your big day!"
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